peter peter pumkin eater

" gasping for air makes the righteous path harder to choose."

Long December

"It seem the winter laugh a little slower makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her."

i miss my art.....i miss being an artist....i miss having a purpose.
i think i am slipping into some for of delusion.
nothing is real. its a movie without a plot, and im not sure the good guy is gonna win.
i am very detached, i am trying, i feel......it just doesn't feel back.
i am happy, but not sure why.
i am detached. none of it feels real. it doesn't feel real at all.
i need AA

how quimzical

take a quiz about me.....why?.....why not.

http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz_IM.php?quizname=040818123140-waka~p20waka

Meanwhile Rick James takes her new

educated, related and belated by the consepts of constructs that are constant, and constantly changing. voice of the universe ranging from strange to sane, straining for me to listen to living, but im to busy building walls of flaws. pause.....discuss.

Rick James is dead.
and im feeling super freaky

im lonely

today is today. crap....it should be at least wensday,
i am sitting at work. by myself. here right now i am god and peasent.....my choice is all that matters, yet and still it has no affect on anything around me. Herb is gone, i am glad he can find his dreams.....but mine are hard to persue without him. Andrew is in Mapleland. Music burns in me. i dont want to do it just by myself. that might be my option.

if monkey see, i think i should do.

im lonely

today is today. crap....it should be at least wensday,
i am sitting at work. by myself. here right now i am god and peasent.....my choice is all that matters, yet and still it has no affect on anything around me. Herb is gone, i am glad he can find his dreams.....but mine are hard to persue without him. Andrew is in Mapleland. Music burns in me. i dont want to do it just by myself. that might be my option.

if monkey see, i think i should do.

Without the sticky little kitten,

A heart that's full up like a landfill
A job that slowly kills you
Bruises that won't heal
You look so tired and unhappy
Bring down the government
They don't, they don't speak for us
I'll take a quiet life
A handshake of carbon monoxide
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
Silent, silent
This is my final fit, my final bellyache with
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises please
Such a pretty house, such a pretty garden
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises please" - radiohead

how do i find myself away from this conclusion?......i can make a extreme up, a tragic down or settle.......christ is the hope.......but what hope?........i dont seem to be able to really change anyone, everyone can only change themselves....but into what?....what are we supposed to change ourselves into?....do we follow christ to get super powers? respect? love? or to not not get to heaven?......i want to see God, but more....just like a lover i have not been able get enough, but unlike a lover i want to have more than just the feeling of them. i want to know them, but how can i know God if i keep getting told he is more than my mind can comprehend?
why am i just seeking a goal that i can only see after life?
how does that encourage me to live?.....wow i sound suicidal....im not.....i just would like to quit.....and killing myself is not quiting its doing something.....something creepy.....dont matter how you look at it, taking your own life is creepy.....really!
eh.....now i dont know what im talking about.......it just seems life is about people, and all the people are about themselves.....like me.





without the pretty pink ribbon
you'll end up just like me. -cake (a four letter word)

dave

Twenty three and so tired of life
Such a shame to throw it all away
The images grow darker still
Could I have been anyone other than me? Then I

Look up at the sky
My mouth is open wide, lick and taste
What's the use in worrying, what's the use in hurrying
Turn, turn we almost become dizzy

Iam who I am who I am who am I
Requesting some enlightenment
Could I have been anyone other than me? - DMB

i have been listening to this song for 8 years.........i now just realized it applies.
5/27/81

tavius

i really think im losing it,
i might be bi-polar,
solar flares impares my vision,
my personalities lack of percision
creates division in anything i can be.

i dont know how to see the point anymore,
im a whore for my drinkin and im the one payin.

betrayin all my previous hope,
i dont think i can cope,
on a slippery slope of logic,
im tragic, overdramitic let me be static
perma-matic.

find a fascit of life that dont make me want to quit.
i really cant take this shit, im not fit for living nor fit for dying,
someone start trying to help me keep trying,
if we were not lying about our self denying
then maybe we could carry a cross that was not of our own carving,
a cross that means we are dying without dying,
can i see what that is meaning.
or where is the meaning -TM

Well its bekah's birthday! yeah her........!

best news ever

so okay my house got broke into and ruffly 1,000bucks in stuff got removed.........but i have the best news ever!
http://www.vh1.com/news/articles/1488149/20040603/creed.jhtml?headlines=true&_requestid=247106

there is a god!

anybody who's board should go to VH1.com and listen to "AUF Der Maur" its the chick who used to play bass with "Hole" and "Smashing Pumpkins"
you can here the whole album on VH1's site.....im on track 2 and i think i really like it. or if anybodys real board play this game http://nlp.fi.muni.cz/~xsvobod4/amanita/samorost/intro.html
pretty fun puzzle game of sorts, definatly inovative

or

go to http://www.cowtools.com
funniest thing ever.

you can see how productive my day is

how sweet

i got called the sweetest thing today..........a friend from a long time ago was talking about me, they said "what can i say about Tavius? he's a perpetual good time" that makes me very happy

friday

today is the day that everybody spends 4 days looking forward to. "yeah man its friday, i get to do some stuff!!"
friday is different for me....it usually makes me sad. i look back over my week, and realize, i have done absolutly nothing with it. i just worked, but didn't grow at all, not mentally spiratually or relationally, then all i want to do with the weekend is rest. i work at a 9-5 monday-friday, job that has a bipolar, day-dreamin, arab for a leader. He waste every bit of his employees time making them erase every thing he tells them to start and them makes them start doing something else which he is going to make them erase again to start something else which he is going to make them erase again to start something else which he is going to make them erase again to start something else which he is going to make them erase again to start something else which he is going to make them erase again to start something else which he is going to make them erase again to start something else which he is going to make them erase again to start something else all work and no play make tavius a dull boy.

there is a constant circle of time that makes months pass by in the mental time of a day, we wait for 5 days for 2 days which we just spend trying to stop the next 5 days from coming.

well its friday, i guess im in love

a summer to forget

Yeah. Summer really sucks. now ofcoarse i am not talking about the beautful weather or the warmth or how everybody wants to do something.......im talking about the bugs. for the love of god the bugs! right now im sitting at work, when i walked outside earlier to get my gaseous cancer fix i looked up. i was suprised to notice 2 wasp nest above the door. note that there are 2 wasp nest....and they are different types of wasp. now you would think that 2 different types of wasp would get angry at the other one trying to take its space, but no. they dont. they would rather chase me. for no reason these things kept swarming around me like i was a budding virgin flower ripe with pollen. i was not in the mood to let them find out there was no pollen in me, just blood. so i did the manly thing, i got my brother to knock them down....not cause im scarred. he's just taller. so i come back inside thinking of my traumitizing experience and suddely weep out my shock, as i do this my brain wanders back to my house, and thinks of the comforting affects summer has had on my house as well. spiders, mice, roaches, crickets, and fly's. now i am not one to debate that my house is a living disaster, a absolute cornicopia of chaos and ick. this is my fault. but to the thought that for a second the mess that my house is somehow justifies a colony a creatures to invade my space is ludicris. my house was just as filthy in the winter, and there were no bugs, but then summer comes the time for fun in the sun, life, playing, long walks at night, and every unholy 2nd to last on the food chain, biting, crawling asshole to come out of the woodwork. summer.....i hate you.......

I figure hey why not

So im sittin here at work thinkin....damn i should write........but i also want attention.....how could i do both....OH right a blog!!! so here is the knowledge of tavius, which basicly means you gonna get a kindergarden education.....but hey who dont like to color?....and nap time will be good too! every body get prepared for cookies and cream!